Posted by: Valhalla Hawkwind | 4 April 2012

Reboot 2.0

Not that anyone actually reads this (except perhaps the accidental person who stumbles upon this site once in a blue moon), but I’ve decided to start updating again for a few reasons.  I (shockingly!) actually have more time on my hands these days, AND my insomnia is acting up something fierce, so I might as well try and be productive. I also have the urge to write again — something other than medicine-related articles.

It’s been around two-and-a-half years since my last post. What’s happened to me in the interim?

1) I am now in my thirties. Turning 30 last year wasn’t as traumatic as I had imagined. However, everyone else around me either seems really young, or they are getting married and having babies. I am stuck in limbo — I feel too old to hang out with the younger crowd, and couples and young families want nothing to do with singletons (not that I would be seeking them out either. Yawn.)

2) I successfully completed 2 major board certification exams. I am really proud of that accomplishment, as I had always seen them as my academic Mount Everest. But no one really cares about that, especially if they’ve never had to experience it.

3) I moved again, this time to the Big City.  Managed to make one friend here, but she’s since moved away.  Don’t really have anyone else here that I know, so even lonelier here than in the last city.  And more difficult to make friends.  More later.

4) Finished a marathon!  And lived to tell about it! (Yay! Crossed that one off my bucket list.)

5) Walked on the Great Wall of China — another thing off my bucket list!

6) Relationship stats…. Over the last 3 years:

– number of boyfriends: ZERO

– number of dates: maybe 1 (sort of)

– number of boys kissed: 2

– number of Valentine’s days alone: 3

– V-card traded in: NO.  I am officially a 30-year-old virgin.  Well, actually, older now.  To be honest, I hadn’t been thinking about it all that much the last few years (because I was busy trying to conquer aforementioned academic Mt Everest without dying!)  but now I’m starting to think about trying to date again… it’s an issue that’s going to come up.  Having just recently rejoined the blogosphere, I’ve come across the term “incel”, short for “involuntary celibacy”, which I kind of like.  It doesn’t have the same kind of stigma that “virgin” has (or maybe I just need to do more reading at this point.)

Anyway, the more some things change, the more some things stay the same.

 

Posted by: Valhalla Hawkwind | 29 October 2009

Still On the Face of the Earth

It’s been a long time since I last posted!  Can’t say that there have been all that many developments in my life since the last time I wrote.  I’m still single, still a virgin, still studying.  There have been a couple of events I’ve been meaning to blog about, and hopefully I’ll do so in the next few days.

Last weekend, I went out to a club/bar for the first time since I moved to this city.  I don’t go to clubs that often, but when I do, I generally have fun.  One of my co-workers is getting married, so we went out for her stagette.  My first thought when I went in was that everyone around me was so~o young!  One of my other co-workers (the one person I was closest to of the girls who went out) got into a long chat with a guy.  I thought that they had known each other from before, but he was a total stranger trying to pick her up.  And a cute stranger at that!

As for me, a boy who looked about 16 years old tried to chat me up.  Nothing particularly special about him.  Not ugly, but not particularly good-looking either.  He couldn’t get my name right after five times, so I said goodbye.  I’m not one for picking up guys at clubs at all.  There were a few other heinous guys around us, just reinforcing what I know and believe about guys in clubs.  I must not be really looking at all; at the very least, I would have engaged the 16 year old in conversation, if only to toy with him for a little bit.  Maybe it was because I was out with a group that consisted of several of my co-workers instead of a group of friends.  If I were with my friends, I would be more willing to make a fool of myself, and we would all look back and laugh.

At least the music was good (ie. no country!)

Posted by: Valhalla Hawkwind | 4 August 2009

Status quo

Finally, a free moment to blog, only not much new has been going on.  It’s been a little over a month since I’ve been in this new city, and all I’ve really been doing is work and a bit of studying.  I’m still not fully unpacked and settled into my apartment.  I’m feeling quite alone here, as the only people I know here are from work, and we rarely hang out outside of work.  Even when we do, the temptation to slip into shoptalk is too great, as that’s a sort of safe ground.  But I find it so~o redundant and boring.

I am one of three (soon to be two) singletons in the department I’m in.  It hasn’t been a major issue or anything; it’s just that there are times when it’s hard to find common ground in conversation (and thus it turns back to work).  For example, I attended a baby shower for one of the staff a few weekends ago (everyone seems to be having babies in these here parts!) and while we were sitting around, the conversation centred around pregnancy, morning sickness, and babies.  None of which I could relate to, especially since I’ve been not planning to have children for as long as I can remember.  So I just sat there, more awkward that usual.

It takes me a long time to meet new people, as I tend to be more on the quiet and shy side, which I think some people might misinterpret as being weird/uninteresting/uninterested/snobby.  Not sure how I’m going to meet non-work people here, as work/being on call/needing to study really get in the way of joining a class or a group that meets on a regular basis.  But other people in my position have done it before, so I guess I’m just going to have to find a way to put myself out there.

Posted by: Valhalla Hawkwind | 12 July 2009

A Move and An Anniversary

I just moved to a new city for the first time in my life. It’s only three hours from where I used to live, but it’s still been trying times. It’s only been a couple of weeks, but I’m still living out of boxes, for the most part. The hardest part of it all has been how lonely I’ve been feeling. I don’t make friends all that easily, and I know that the ones I am going to make are going to be from work, because that’s where I spend 60 to 80 hours of my life per week. I’ve desperately wanted to go out for a run, to try and feel semi-normal again, but the weather and my feeling of constant exhaustion have prevented that. I miss my close friends, even though when I was in living in the other city, we didn’t see each other that often.  They actually understood me and accepted me for who I am.  Really the best friends I could ever ask for.  And they forced me to think and talk about stuff other than medicine.  A welcome break.  Sigh.

Perhaps another marker of how sad a person I am, I’ve noted that today is the one year anniversary of when Stavros broke up with me.  I don’t understand why I can’t just forget about him.  I still think of him and wonder what he’s up to, etc.  So pathetic, I know.  I don’t wish to get back with him (at least my conscious self doesn’t), so I don’t know why he comes up in my thoughts, and sometimes in my dreams.

I’m doubly sad today.  😦

Posted by: Valhalla Hawkwind | 19 May 2009

To Tell or Not To Tell

That is the question.

It’s been a while since I’ve last written. Just busy with work, finding a place to live where I’m starting my new position in July, and going on a two week vacation with my parents (yikes!). My status as an interminably single virgin has not changed. I wasn’t really thinking about boys and sex at all, until one of my close girl friends (who also happens to be a V) started seeing a guy, and we were all convinced that things were going in the right direction for her after a hot and heavy makeout session. But the guy ended up being a tool and left her in the lurch a couple of days later. Anyway, so that’s how I got to thinking about boys and sex again.

I’ve always believed that as part of a healthy mature relationship, the guy and myself would be able to talk about sex, including how many partners we’d been with, and that would include revealing that I am a virgin. However, I cannot help but think that a large part of the downfall of my relationship with Stavros was when I revealed simply that fact. And I more often than not wish I had just slept with him, not because I think that the relationship would have necessarily lasted longer or would have been better, but because 1) I was actually sexually attracted to him — a very rare occurrence for me, and 2) I would no longer be a virgin and have to reveal yet again to some guy that that’s what I am, and then have him judge me, either consciously or subconsciously. I know I shouldn’t be ashamed of my status, and that there are so many other things about me to be proud of, but this is one very deep dark secret, and I can’t help but feel like a freak, most of the time.

The other day, at work, I ran into a friend of mine, (I shall call her Byrd) with whom I had not been very good at keeping in touch. We had been part of a very close group of girls during high school, and had since only intermittently seen each other at our former classmates’ weddings and such. I had last seen her over a year ago, before I had headed out on my spring vacation. Byrd was so happy for me when I told her that I was seeing/dating Stavros. She was all too familiar with my luckless-in-love status, and had on numerous occasions, when we were close friends, tried to set me up with guys, but to no avail. We sat and chatted, and she told me about her new boyfriend, and how well that was going. She was overjoyed at how good the sex was, because that was a huge issue in her last relationship. Of course, at some point, the conversation turned to me, and I revealed that Stavros and I never had sex, and the circumstances surrounding that. Byrd agreed with my suspicion that 1) Stavros didn’t want to have sex with me because I was a virgin and 2) the no sex thing probably played a large role in the demise of our so-called relationship. She told me that she had talked to a guy friend of hers who was reluctant to sleep with a virgin and eventually ended that relationship; those circumstances were pretty much identical to what I went through, but she told me from the guy’s perspective (although it’s nothing I hadn’t thought of or heard before.) Then she told me of one of her friends who had just lost her virginity at age 28 in Vegas with her current boyfriend’s friend. She hadn’t told the guy that it was her first time, and had blamed the bleeding on it being her period. Byrd was trying to convince me to go to Vegas with her, but I just don’t think I can find it in myself to have a one night stand with a stranger, especially as my first time. However, our conversation really got me thinking what the right approach is, should I ever again find someone I think I might want to have sex with. More and more I lean towards not telling, because it just seems like a huge barrier to getting it done. But not telling feels to me a bit contrary to who I am and what I believe in, which is truth and honesty in relationships with good communication. Then again, I’m pretty naive in the ways of the world, and someone who is “too nice” for their own good. I don’t know what to think anymore. I’m more frustrated at myself that all I’ve got is sex on the brain these days, when firstly, it ain’t gonna happen anytime soon, and secondly, I need to occupy my brain cells with the tonnes of stuff I need to get done at this time of year with regards to work and moving to a new city and starting a new job.

Great Northern Gah!!

Posted by: Valhalla Hawkwind | 19 February 2009

Brazil!

So I decided to go ahead and get a Brazilian wax job done.  I had been thinking about it for a while, but not really sure why.  The big day was last Friday, the 13th –hee!  It wasn’t too bad, actually, but I have to admit that I did feel a little bit like a plucked chicken for about a day afterward.

It’s the most action that area of my body has seen, and probably will see, for the foreseeable future!

Posted by: Valhalla Hawkwind | 12 February 2009

My V Story

It’s nearly Valentine’s Day, and with that comes lots of talk about love, and well, let’s be honest, sex.

It is my misfortune to have never experienced either of the above.  That’s right.  I am a 28-year-old virgin.  Likely going to graduate to a 30-year-old virgin.  And easily claiming title of 40-year-old virgin.

I’ve come across a few other blogs of other wonderful women in a similar situation (featured under “Other VIPs” section — I have yet to come up with a clever acronym).  For me, when I read about their various situations, I no longer felt like I was a total freak of society.  That’s part of the reason why I wanted to share my perspective, because like anything else where you aren’t like everyone else, you feel like you’re the only one, and that there’s no one to talk to about it or no one who could possibly understand, and so you keep it all inside.  Thank goodness for cyberspace, I tell ya.

First off, I am not one to flaunt my virginity with a purity ring, nor am I going to auction off my virginity to the highest bidder –gross!!  I wouldn’t say that I am a virgin by choice, but I suppose if I really just wanted to have sex with anyone that I probably could have found someone.  I’m not waiting for marriage, but I do want to be in a somewhat stable committed relationship before I do the deed.

I guess there are many factors that have led me to my current state.  Even though I know this is going to be a cop-out reason, I was a heavier girl when I was a teenager, and spent most of my time studying, and so boys totally ignored me.  Also, I have to connect with a guy intellectually/emotionally before I feel the need to connect physically.  Since I turned 20, I think that there have been only 3 guys that I’ve been sexually attracted to, one of whom was Stavros.

When I began dating Stavros, I was both excited and nervous.  He is several years older than I, and I just assumed he would have certain expectations about sex in the relationship.  He was the first person in 4 or 5 years to whom I felt sexually attracted; there was just something about his pheromones that really did it for me.  I was mostly nervous because I didn’t want him to think I was a complete loser because of my inexperience with guys.  The first time we made out, I had no idea what to do, and the way he responded (ie not giving me any feedback whatsoever) made me feel like I was doing something totally wrong.  Then a few weeks later, I found myself having had a few too many glasses of wine and asked quite innocently whether I could stay over at his place.  For me, I knew that sex was off the table, because I was on my period.  We were in bed, one thing led to another, and before I knew it, my shirt was off, and the feeling was amazing, but his hands started moving lower, and I knew I needed to stop things before he discovered it was my time of the month.  But instead of being a normal person and just saying I was on my period, I tell him that I’m a virgin.  And even though he said that it was okay and that there was lots of time “to do that stuff”, he never really tried or touched me after that.  Even when I made the first move on his birthday and once near the end of our relationship, he never really carried through.  That was a huge blow to my ego, and I felt like the most undesirable woman in the world.  For a long time after he broke up with me, I wished that on that first night I would’ve just had sex with him.  I wondered a lot whether that played a big part in why he wanted to end things.  He must have thought there was something freakishly wrong with me in that regard.

And so here I am, still virginal.  And I know it will be a long time before I find someone I want to have sex with.  Worse yet, I have to tell another person that I am a virgin.  Gah.  Some of my friends tell me that I shouldn’t tell the guy.  But I feel like if I’m going to have sex with someone, we should be comfortable discussing it.  On a good day, I am pretty comfortable with my body and my sexuality, and have no problems talking about it.  And I value honesty and openness in relationships, so I feel like he should know.  But I will be that much older the next time I do date (when and if that happens), and I think I might die of sheer embarrassment when I tell him.  I know.  I’m such a contradiction and hippocrite in my thoughts.

Frustrating, aren’t I?

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